Moments of Truth for Every Captain

 By Dave Dawe, Master of Inergizing Connections at Incourage

My wife Shirley and I and our son Christopher embarked on a year long family sailing adventure in 2008. After two courses and a few months of preparation we headed off for a 7,000 km journey from Lake Ontario to the Florida Keys and back. This article highlights one of the key leadership lessons gleaned from some of our experiences along the way. 

The boat, the crew and the captain. I learned quickly that the whole organization had to work together well for this dream voyage to be successful. Sailing a boat is an interesting mix of consensus driven decisions and hierarchical necessities. Much of the time we would strive to figure out together the best route, daily destination and schedule of duties. That sense of alignment on where we are headed and what has to be done is vital to ensure smooth functioning of systems while under way. There are times however that inclusive decision making is neither practical nor desirable. Legally the designated captain is responsible for the safety of the crew and the vessel and when things become crazy and are moving fast there is no time for discussion to seek alignment. Even rapid unilateral decisions however, need to be made with acute sensitivity to the crew’s needs.

This necessity to be able to make a quick decision and communicate it so that it is executed accurately became a crucial element in our travels. This was most evident when travelling not out in the open ocean but in the close quarters of docks, pilings, coral, and other boats. A sailboat is an awkward beast to control in tight quarters especially when wind and currents compound the uncertainty. The opportunities for misjudging something with potentially ugly consequences are abundant.

Consider feeling fatigued, stressed about the possible outcomes of the task, unsure about your abilities and knowledge and knowing the buck stops here. And something has to happen right now. So out of my mouth comes a command that travels through the noise of the wind, which Shirley, who is equally stressed, interprets.  The potential for a misunderstanding is very high at this point. She acts on the command but the action is not what I expect, and it looks like it won’t work. “What was she thinking to do it that way?” My mouth is drier and breathing quicker. It is now a moment of truth.  At this point, I can easily justify being angry, and display this with an aggressive bark of more orders, coupled with a derogatory embellishment, to make sure it gets done right. Or I can call out another direction, with urgency but with a tone of understanding. One action lets her know she messed up and better fix it; the other lets her know a change is needed, and we are in this together.

Realizing this choice in the midst of action is critical. My behaviour leads to two related outcomes, one short term and one long term. The short term outcome is that the urgent task gets accomplished - the boat safely gets to the right spot. The longer term outcome is not always as immediately evident but is just as important – the relationship is either kept strong or is weakened. If it is kept strong our collective ability to take decisive action in the future is enhanced. If the relationship is weakened our ability to do this is diminished. My behaviour choice, if I am sufficiently aware, must take into account these two related outcomes: I want the urgent task to be completed successfully AND I want to keep the relationship strong in order to enhance our capacity to meet future challenges. And there will always be future challenges. If I let my emotions in the moment overrule what I really want to happen, then I have given in to the impulse to react and abandoned the importance of the relationship.

This same choice occurred over and over again, but not always at intense, urgent points. More often it was in a situation of me feeling tired, hungry, cold and generally cranky at the end of a trying day. Then Christopher, our son, would make what seemed like an unreasonable demand, providing another choice point for me. Living in the close quarters of a 34 foot vessel amplifies all of these choices and their outcomes. It did not take me long to realize that reacting in a dismissive manner was not going to lead to the life aboard we hoped for. Instead, responding with respect always resulted in better outcomes. But it takes much more effort and intention.

I had heard stories of Florida being littered with boats for sale from journeys being prematurely abandoned. Many of these were trips of a lifetime, filled with adventure and hope, dashed away because of crushing relationship breakdowns. Local knowledge points to the cause of these breakdowns as tyranny of the captain – allowing emotions in the moment to drive dysfunctional behaviour. I witnessed this on our journey more times than I can count. Sound travels easily across the water. The belittling bellows of otherwise intelligent and capable captains, rattling the nerves, confidence and esteem of their crew was striking. I could feel the negative repercussions reverberate across the water for hours afterward. The boat arrives to the dock unharmed but the relationship is damaged. Repeating this experience leads to the boat staying in tact but the grander vision of living the dream ultimately failing.

At the workplace, the same scenarios are at play. Often a leader is feeling fatigued, stressed about the possible outcomes of the task, unsure about his or her abilities and knowing the buck stops here. Frequently reactive dysfunctional behaviour prevails – followed by predictable results. The urgent task gets accomplished at the expense of the relationship. Just as Florida is littered with boats of failed dreams and relationships, organizations are littered with despondent employees exiting in whole or in part. A more emotionally intelligent boss will make intentional behaviour choices, leading to the urgent task being accomplished AND the relationship intact with the team ready to pursue the hopes and dreams of its members.

We'll never be perfect in communicating as a leader, especially when we are stressed.  The boat will bump the dock and we will bump each other, but in the office it is important that our team knows we respect and value them, especially in the tense and frustrating times. Each time we successfully navigated one of those tough situations we were able to reflect and celebrate it as another triumph, ready as a team to meet the next challenge on the journey.

It is worth taking time to reflect on your own situation.
Under what conditions are you stressed and ready to snap at your staff?
What strategy can you put in place to catch yourself so that you are meeting the need of the short term task AND keeping relationships strong for the long term?